Setting a good example for your children is the most powerful way to teach them positive behaviors and attitudes. Parents who behave in a negative manner (fight constantly, abuse alcohol and/or drugs, are disrespectful, are unmotivated, etc.) teach their children to behave in these ways. Parents who communicate with “do as I say, not as I do” confuse their children and damage their own credibility as parents. Hence, it is important that parents keep their actions and words consistent.

Someone is Watching

One of the most powerful ways children learn is by watching their parents’ actions. Today, it is widely recognized that children, who are abused or grow up in homes where parents or family members abuse alcohol and use drugs, will likely face emotional roadblocks as they enter adulthood. Such children experience an extremely negative example of family life.

What Kind of Messages are You Sending?

Children can also be damaged by behavior that does not seem to be harmful. For instance, parents with low motivation, or who deny responsibility for their mistakes, may convey the message to their children that hard work, determination, and personal responsibility are not important. Like their parents, such children are likely to do poorly in school and may later have difficulty finding or keeping a career. When they do find a job, it may be in an occupation that is considerably less challenging and likely to be low in income levels.

Home Environment Counts

Through lack of interest and attention, parents tell their child that he or she is not important, has little value, and may not be worthy of love. Children growing up in such a family are likely to have low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy. Such an environment sets the stage for difficulties and failures in school and other areas of life.

George Anderson, MSW, BCD, CAMF, CEAP
Diplomate, American Association of Anger Management Providers
Anderson & Anderson®, The Trusted Name in Anger Management
http://www.andersonservices.com/
http://www.aaamp.org
http://www.linkedin.com/in/geoanderson
www.anger-management-resources.org

Anger is a natural emotional state and is designed to help us stay alive. Anger sends signals to all parts of our body to help us fight. It energizes us and prepares us for action. Often, the perceived need to protect one-self comes from what amounts to psychological attacks from others.

Use Anger Wisely

When we feel energized by anger, it is smart for us to ask ourselves how we put his energy to its most productive use. As with the use of other forms of energy such as electricity, we want to use it efficiently, not wastefully.

Anger is Secondary

One of the most helpful things to remember about anger is that it is a secondary emotion. A primary feeling is what is felt immediately before we feel angry. We always feel something else first, even if we don’t notice it. We might feel afraid, attacked, offended, disrespected, forced, trapped, interrogated, or pressured. If any of these feelings are intense enough, they can lead to anger before we realize what we really felt!

Identify the Primary Emotion

An important point to remember about secondary feelings such as anger is that they do not identify the unmet emotional need. When all you can say is “I feel angry,” neither you nor any one else knows what would help you feel better. An amazingly simple, but effective, technique is to always identify the primary emotion.

Situations that Cause Anger Can Be Avoided

Here is an example. Assume someone wants us to do something we prefer not to do. At first we feel a little pressured but not enough to get angry. When they keep pushing us, we begin to get irritated. If they continue, we become “angry”.

Communicate Your Feelings

An effective way to avoid getting angry in many cases is simply to express your feeling before it has elevated to the point of anger. This helps keep the brain in balance and out of the more volatile mode where it has downshifted to a more primitive and physiological response.

George Anderson, MSW, BCD, CAMF, CEAP
Diplomate, American Association of Anger Management Providers
Anderson & Anderson®, The Trusted Name in Anger Management
http://www.andersonservices.com/
http://www.aaamp.org
http://www.linkedin.com/in/geoanderson
www.anger-management-resources.org

A wide range of organizations are beginning to address the increase of incivility that is becoming pervasive throughout American society. Hospital chains, State Bar Associations and local governments are some of the organizations taking the lead in providing basic training in “civility”.

What is civility?

Civility is behavior in public that demonstrates respect for others and that entails curtailing one’s own immediate self-interest, when appropriate. Civility is made up of three elements: Civility is the common language for communicating respect for others and their views (the importance is in the gestures of respect more than the outcome of the behavior); Civility toward strangers requires that we behave in certain ways toward people who may mean nothing to us, and whom we are unlikely ever to encounter again, in the interest of hearing their thoughts; and, Civility involves holding back in the pursuit of one’s own immediate self-interest – we desist from doing what would be most pleasing to us for the sake of harmonious civil discourse with others, even strangers.

Since no universally agreed training/curricula for “civility” currently exists, the range of interventions includes the following: ethics, spirituality, emotional intelligence, anger management and etiquette.

On April 29, 2008, Anderson & Anderson® presented a successful training in civility. This training included emotional intelligence, stress management, communication and anger management. This training was the first civility-based seminar approved for Attorneys in the State of Illinois. It was well received and highly rated by those in attendance.

Daniel Goleman, the preeminent expert on Emotional Intelligence, offers the following tips on civility: “Conduct yourself with integrity, courtesy, and respect toward fellow members of our community”; “Hold individuals accountable for their actions”; and “Promote an environment where individuals feel safe and supported.”

Emotional intelligence already contains all of the skill sets needed to increase civility in individuals, groups and organizations. Anderson & Anderson® has long addressed these same issues in our comprehensive organizational training in anger management and our Executive Coaching/Anger Management for Physicians.
George Anderson, MSW, BCD, CAMF, CEAP
Diplomate, American Association of Anger Management Providers
Anderson & Anderson®, The Trusted Name in Anger Management
http://www.andersonservices.com/
http://www.aaamp.org
http://www.linkedin.com/in/geoanderson
www.anger-management-resources.org

by Catherine Hoffman Kaser, M.A.

It is natural for students to get angry sometimes; however, when they also have difficulty controlling their anger, the academic and social outcomes suffer. These students are often perceived as hostile, have fewer goals, are at risk for expulsion or dropping out of school, experience lower academic performance, have higher rates of juvenile delinquency and adult criminal activity, and have low self esteem (Blum, 2001; Robinson, Smith, & Miller, 2002; Tamaki, 1994). Many teachers are finding that teaching anger management skills to students is effective in helping them to regulate their behavior and deal with their feelings of anger when they surface (Rosenberg, Wilson, Maheady, & Sindelar, 1997; Rutherford, Quinn, & Mathur, 1996). Acquiring these skills makes schools safer for everyone and helps these students to control their inappropriate behavior and, in turn, more socially accepted by others and themselves (Robinson, Smith, & Miller, 2002; Tamaki, 1994).

Anger is one of the most difficult feelings for students to manage (Phillips-Hershey & Kanagy, 1996). Students may get angry because they are frustrated or anxious, feel a lack of control over their environments, or do not know how to express themselves effectively in other ways (Brophy, 1996; Burden, 2003; Gootman, 2001; Rutherford, Quinn, & Mathur, 1996; Tamaki, 1994; Wilde, 2002). These students often have trouble accurately perceiving social situations and their misperceptions may provoke anger (Brophy, 1996; Goldstein, 1999). Many anger management researchers suggest first understanding how a student is thinking and feeling (Gootman, 2001; Kauffman, Mostert, Trent, & Hallahan, 1998) and then addressing the causes of a student’s anger, if possible (Blum, 2001). Since the causes of anger cannot always be prevented, it is important that students learn methods to manage their anger effectively. The goal of any anger management program is to teach students to be able to identify when they are angry, develop management strategies for dealing with their anger, and express their feelings more appropriately (Gootman, 2001; Phillips-Hershey & Kanagy, 1996). This can be accomplished by integrating anger management instruction into the regular curriculum, choosing a packaged program of instruction, or using a multifaceted approach that includes an anger management curriculum as part of a multi-faceted intervention for students (Guthrie, 2002). A number of instructional programs contain a combination of cognitive and behavioral approaches to teach students a sequence of steps toward monitoring their thinking about their perceptions of situations and feelings of anger and controlling their angry behaviors– using problem solving skills and appropriate social skills (Brophy, 1996; Kellner, Bry, & Colletti, 2002; Kerr & Nelson, 1998; O’Donnell & White, 2001; Robinson, Smith, & Miller, 2002; Rutherford, Quinn, & Mathur, 1996; Tamaki, 1994).

Goldstein’s PREPARE curriculum is perhaps the best-known packaged anger management program (1999). The first part of PREPARE emphasizes teaching skills and behaviors that are more appropriate than angry or aggressive responses. First, a teacher models the correct use of target skills that the students need to learn or improve, such as dealing with an accusation. Second, students practice the steps that comprise the skill they saw modeled through role-play situations. Next, the teacher or leader provides feedback to the students about their use of the skills in the role-play, which provides both guidance and reinforcement for using the skill. Finally, students are given homework to practice the skill to help them transfer the newly acquired skills to natural settings.

The PREPARE curriculum also outlines a number of steps that students can use to understand how they perceive situations that make them angry and how to remind themselves to think through alternate ways to perceive that situation and control their anger. Steps to understanding and controlling anger include: (a) learning how to think through what triggered a conflict, (b) how the student responded, and (c) the consequences of that response. Next, students learn to understand what triggers them to become angry and how to respond to those triggers through relaxing, thinking about more positive things, and reminding themselves to control their anger. They next learn to evaluate how they respond to situations that make them angry when they use these techniques and think ahead to evaluate consequences to getting angry or controlling their anger using alternative behaviors. The method in which these steps are taught is similar to that used for teaching more prosocial behaviors described above; steps are modeled, students role-play them, they receive feedback, and practice the new skills for homework.

Rutherford, Quinn, and Mathur (1996) summarize the steps for teaching anger management to students that are common to the PREPARE curriculum and other effective anger management programs (Burden, 2003; Committee for Children, 1992; Kerr & Nelson, 1998; Peterson, 1995; Robinson, Smith, & Miller, 2002; Wilde, 2002):

1. Convince students of their need to change their anger-management style.
2. Make students aware of the personal signals that indicate increased anger arousal.
3. Teach students self-talk techniques.
4. Teach problem solving skills.
5. Teach relaxation skills.

Effective programs combine a variety of teaching techniques including direct instruction, feedback and reinforcement (Rutherford, Quinn, & Mathur, 1996). These techniques can be presented in small groups or as part of a classwide or schoolwide curriculum (Blum, 2001; Cangelosi, 2000; Kellner, Bry, & Colletti, 2002; Phillips-Hershey & Kanagy, 1996; Wilde, 2002). If these techniques are used over time, students can become more effective at monitoring and controlling their anger in provoking situations (Robinson, Smith, & Miller, 2002; Rutherford, Quinn, & Mathur, 1996).

Catherine Hoffman Kaser, M.A.

by Daniel Goleman, Author

“How do you handle someone who is being obnoxious?”

That was a question put to me recently when I talked to a group having their annual Civility Awareness day at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center at Worcester.

We explored how best to encourage civility – which goes beyond mere politeness. The UMass credo on civility offers these tips:

• “Conduct yourself with integrity, courtesy, and respect toward fellow members of our community.”

• “Hold individuals accountable for their actions.”

• “Promote an environment where individuals feel safe and supported.”

These rules for civility in a workplace are heartening; I’m pleased that an organization has focused on how to upgrade the quality of interactions among everyone who works there, as well as with patients.

People at work in any organization face a panoply of forces that easily overpower the urge to be civil: stress, multi-tasking, too much to do with too little time, or too little support. Stress and distractedness – not meanspiritness – are the most common enemies of civility at work.

Consider what you might call “deep civility”: being fully present and attuned to the other person, empathizing, and preparedness to do what you can for them. This attitude resonates with Martin Buber’s concept of the “I-You” connection, where two people are in rapport. These are the human moments when we feel fully engaged and contacted; these are the moments of personal connection we value the most. And, in the workplace, this is what allows for the chemistry where people can work together at their best, or where customers and clients feel most pleased.

What then, does this take? In Social Intelligence I described the varieties of empathy – cognitive, emotional, and empathic concern. These are prerequisites for the full engagement that allows deep civility. But beyond that, each of us can take responsibility for conducting ourselves so the people we contact feel attuned to. Given the countless distractions we face, this begins with paying full attention. The ingredients of a moment of human connection start with our putting down what we’re doing, stopping our wandering thoughts, and simply paying full attention to the other person.

Now, back to that question about the obnoxious person. Because the social brain makes emotions contagious, the danger comes when we take in the negativity, and fail to metabolize it – when the anger, for instance, stays with us, instead of our recovering from it. In the helping professions, the recipe for burnout begins with someone who constantly deals with others who are fearful, angry, or resentful, and who walks away from those encounters feeling that distress – and can’t recover from it. Over time this builds up to an emotional exhaustion – burnout is the end state.

So particularly among those in the caring professions, the ability to recover from such stress is crucial. Luckily for the people at UMass, they are home to the program in Mindfulness-based stress reduction. This training – which has spread to hundreds of hospitals and clinics – gives people the inner ability to stay calm and attuned, without closing down to other people.

In the emotional intelligence model, self-awareness and managing our emotions well are the keys to self-mastery. Once we stabilize in a positive state, we can become senders of that positivity to others. And that suggests one strategy for dealing with an obnoxious encounter – stay calm and clear, be firm but friendly. Because every interaction is a system, this can have a positive impact on the other person. And even if they do not change how they are acting, we can leave their negativity behind as we go on to the next encounter.

In short, the ability to pass on to others our own positive states suggests a deeper sense of “civility.”

Conflict

Interpersonal conflict, like anger, is natural and normal. It occurs when people have different needs or values. When we face conflict, we react according to our personal conflict belief system. The consequences of that reaction will either reinforce or change our belief system.

Personal Conflict Belief System

A personal conflict belief system is formed from messages we receive throughout our lives from parents, religion, culture, friends, teachers, the media, and individual experiences. These beliefs affect how we react when a conflict occurs. This is similar to our response to anger.

Reaction to Conflict

Our reaction to a particular conflict is based on our beliefs about conflict itself. If we believe conflict is basically negative, we usually react in a negative fashion, for example, by complaining or fighting. If we believe conflict should be avoided, we may pretend that nothing is wrong, give in, or run away. If we believe that conflict is neutral and that it happens everyday, then we will react calmly and logically. Most importantly, how we react to a conflict has consequences for everyone involved.

Consequences of Our Reaction

The consequences of our reaction will also be negative or positive. If our reaction is to fight or pretend that nothing is wrong, the consequence may be hurt feelings, and the problem may get worse. If, instead, we agree to talk about the problem calmly, there will likely be positive consequences such as good feelings about ourselves and about the other person. A positive reaction may even help us solve the problem that is causing the conflict. Like anger management, conflict management can be useful in resolving differences between people.

George Anderson, MSW, BCD, CAMF, CEAP
Diplomate, American Association of Anger Management Providers
Anderson & Anderson®, The Trusted Name in Anger Management
http://www.andersonservices.com/
http://www.aaamp.org
http://www.linkedin.com/in/geoanderson
www.anger-management-resources.org

The Property Loss and Research Bureau/PLRB became the first organization to sponsor and receive the new required Civility Training for Illinois based attorneys. This four hour training was provided to 30 Attorneys at the corporate office of PLRB in Downers Grove, IL. on April 29, 2008.

Mr. Anderson did a remarkable job of keeping those in attendance focused on the key concepts of emotional intelligence in promoting civility in all interpersonal interactions, both professional and personal. Each participant had an opportunity to objectively examine his or her strengths, current skills and deficits in interpersonal assertion, self-esteem, time management, stress management, anger management and decision making. All of the above are essential skills to assist in self-management and civility in interpersonal interactions.

The spirit of mutual trust and norms of reciprocity enables citizens and groups to cooperate spontaneously to achieve shared outcomes. Hence, training in civility benefits the entire community.

Emotional intelligence/Civility Training is currently being planned for finance managers in St. Louis, MO.

George Anderson, MSW, BCD, CAMF, CEAP
Diplomate, American Association of Anger Management Providers
Anderson & Anderson®, The Trusted Name in Anger Management
http://www.andersonservices.com/
http://www.aaamp.org
http://www.linkedin.com/in/geoanderson
www.anger-management-resources.org

Lack of communication is the root of many troubles, such as hurt feelings, misunderstandings, missed deadlines, and unsuccessful connections. Healthy communication in its broadest form is important in developing positive healthy relationships between family members and others. Everyone should utilize techniques useful for gaining good communication skills.

Basic skills are very important and many people do not use them well. Poor communication skills result in unnecessary problems and misunderstandings in relationships.

Good communication requires two sets of skills:

• Those required to understand the other person (accurate receiving).
• Those required to give out accurate messages (accurate sending).

Four key communication skills for improving interpersonal relationships are:

• The ability to listen without judging.
• Show understanding of what has been said.
• Acknowledge and accept another’s point of view.
• Don’t impose your personal beliefs on someone else.

Good communication skills take patience and time to acquire. We encourage participants to use all of their newly learned skills in developing positive and healthy relationships.

George Anderson, MSW, BCD, CAMF, CEAP
Diplomate, American Association of Anger Management Providers
Anderson & Anderson®, The Trusted Name in Anger Management
http://www.andersonservices.com/
http://www.aaamp.org
http://www.linkedin.com/in/geoanderson
www.anger-management-resources.org

“Motivation” comes from the Latin word for “to move”. It is a goal-oriented behavior. In essence, we take action because it feels good to do so. It feels right to take a break when we are on overload, then it feels right to go back to work. The real challenge is to make it feel right to take action that does not have an immediate reward. For teenagers and young adults, it is natural to want to see immediate results from any action. Their brains are still developing the ability to reason from cause to effect. In order to feel motivated, we have to tap into the part of ourselves that has a longer view, which also feels right.

Take the Long View

All of us make countless decisions every hour. What should I eat for lunch? Which book should I read first? Should I do homework? Which person should I ask? In part, we make those decisions unconsciously based on our patterns and habits – the things we learned from our families. We also make decisions based on our personal priorities. So, if we want to redirect our decision to take the longer view, we need to both shape unconscious habits and examine priorities to make sure they match. Therefore, completing the assignments between sessions is far more likely to lead to permanent change than the time spent in sessions.

Creating the Correct Environment can Motivate Others

In addition to motivating ourselves, it is important to learn how to create an environment where others can become motivated. There are many ways to do so. The most obvious is “extrinsic” motivation. For example, “If you carry my books, I will give you part of my lunch,” is a simple example of extrinsic motivation. It is a bribe or an offer made in exchange for a service. Regardless of how it is viewed, both parties benefit in some way.

George Anderson, MSW, BCD, CAMF, CEAP
Diplomate, American Association of Anger Management Providers
Anderson & Anderson®, The Trusted Name in Anger Management
http://www.andersonservices.com/
http://www.aaamp.org
http://www.linkedin.com/in/geoanderson
www.anger-management-resources.org

By Liz Seward Science reporter, Festival of Science, New York

Yawning may reveal more about a person than their boredom threshold, according to research. A susceptibility to contagious yawning may actually be a sign of a high-level of social empathy. Although many species yawn, only some humans and possibly their close animal relatives find yawning infectious, suggesting the reason is psychological. The University of Leeds research was presented at the British Association’s Festival of Science in York.” Contagious yawning is a very interesting behavior,” said Dr Catriona Morrison, a lecturer in psychology at the University of Leeds, who is leading the work.” You don’t need a visual cue, you don’t even need an auditory cue - you can just read about it or think about it and it gets you going.” We believe that contagious yawning indicates empathy. It indicates an appreciation of other people’s behavioral and physiological state,” she added. Eyes have it.

Recent neuro-imaging has shown that the same area of the brain is involved when reacting to yawning and when considering others. The University of Leeds team carried out an experiment on students studying psychology and engineering to test this concept. Each student was shown to an occupied waiting room where their companion was actually a researcher who yawned 10 times in 10 minutes. The scientists recorded how often the students yawned in response. Each participant was then asked to complete a test of their empathetic skills, in which they analyzed pictures of eyes and recorded the emotions shown. The results showed that those who had succumbed to the most contagious yawning also scored higher on the empathy tests. There was also a clear difference between the subjects studied. Psychology students were more susceptible to contagious yawning, and scored significantly higher on the empathy test than did the engineering students. Catriona Morrison said: “We thought that psychology students would be highly empathetic and that engineering students would be more systemized, more interested in numbers and formulas.” The results of the experiment appear to back this up, she added.